


The One Where Starscream Is Harry Potter

by fascinationex



Series: the flash fic series [8]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Transformers - All Media Types
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Gen, Starscream as Harry Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 22:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23994526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fascinationex/pseuds/fascinationex
Summary: "I was in my cupboard all night," Starscream says to the officers when they arrive. He's surprised by how fast they've come. Surprised, and irritated.
Series: the flash fic series [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1665544
Comments: 34
Kudos: 325





	The One Where Starscream Is Harry Potter

"I was in my cupboard all night," Starscream says to the officers when they arrive. He's surprised by how fast they've come. Surprised, and irritated. "I am innocent!"

He cuts off the familiar pathetic refrain before he can accidentally assure the police officer that he's loyal to the cause, too.

The thing about being a five year old human child is that everyone looms over him, and his tiny human-child processor is cramped and stupid. It makes associations, sometimes, before he can stop them. 

The first officer makes a face at the second. He doesn't know what kind of face she's making. Her body is no use, she's been tense since she arrived, practical shoes creaking up the little garden path. His eyes try to catalogue separate parts of the expression: her brow is tight, wrinkled by her dark eyebrows; her lips are pressed together, squashed thin and bloodless.

It's not angry. But it's not a good expression. Is she nervous? 

He squints. He isn't sure if all humans' eyes are as rubbish as his are or if the body he's got is just defective, but he'd kill to have his optical sensors back.

(Starscream doesn't need a _lot_ of incentive to kill, to be fair.)

"But you must have _noticed_ ," she says, gently but incredulously. The other officer, bigger and broader, walks around the house, creaking gently over the vacuumed carpets as he goes.

Starscream glances over to the dining room, where the bodies are. 

Vernon is on the floor, as his is the greatest body mass and, unfortunately, he was able to get up after sitting down to dinner... however briefly. Petunia is still in her seat. Dudley is sprawled out, head on the floor and knees tangled up in his overturned chair. His bulky mass had already been twisted to view the television screen and his plate at the same time when the poison started stripping the oxygen from his blood, and he'd also seized when the adults had not. Starscream still isn't sure why. 

The bodies are beginning to lose their strange rigidity. Starscream had noticed it in their faces barely three hours after death, and had watched in fascination as it overtook the bodies. It's clearly not permanent. Just as clearly, Starscream won't be able to watch the rest of the process. 

The officers haven't touched the bodies yet. It appears, from what he's overheard, that they're waiting on some other team. This, Starscream understands at least: different teams are appropriate for different things.

But he still doesn't know what this concerned, condescending officer's getting at.

"Of course I _noticed_ ," he says, crossing his small arms. "What did you want me to do about it?"

She blinks. Her expression, whatever it means, intensifies. "When something like this happens, you're supposed to tell an adult, sweetie." Who is she calling sweetie? "Or... do you know about calling triple nine?" 

He has no idea what that is—he's not an _idiot_ , he knows about the humans' quaint telephone systems—but he doesn't know this number. 

"What?" 

Her lips flatten more. Somehow. What does it mean?

"Okay, that's..." 

"Lizzy, he's five," the other one reminds her, calling back over his shoulder. 

She looks up at him. He sighs and comes over to talk.

"Hi. Harry, right? I'm Officer Morris," he says, crouching down like he thinks Starscream can't see him from here. He's a tall human, sandy-haired, blue-eyed.

 _I'm Air Commander Starscream and you will show some respect_ , Starscream somehow manages not to say aloud. He's been swallowing that one for about four years now, but it still grates. "Why don't we get you out of here? Look, show me your room, you can bring a toy with you, we'll go see if any of your neighbours are home."

Starscream isn't sure what expression is on his own childish face, but he expects it must be hostile. If they could feel the EM field generated by the activity of his spark... 

But they can't. Obviously. Humans. They're lucky it doesn't take very much to be the smartest species on a planet like this.

He goes along with Morris's instruction for one reason only: he knows it is not usual to keep young children locked in cramped, lightless spaces, hidden away like dirty little secrets. He wants to watch their discomfort.

It is disappointingly sedate.

"Uh-huh," says Officer Morris, in an extremely neutral tone. He rattles the lock on the outside of the door thoughtfully. "Funny arrangement in a three room house." Is he daring to imply Starscream is _lying_? "And you said you were in there all night?"

"Yes," Starscream lies. "Of course."

"Did they lock you in there?"

That's a trick question, he recognises. If they had, he should have been in there when the officers arrived. 

But they've found him sitting on the overstuffed couch in the untouched and spotless living room with the bodies in clear sight through the door, reading a book.

"Sometimes," he says instead of the truth, which is _always_. 

It's little wonder they're all dead, really. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm tossing up making a longer crack-treated-seriously fic on this topic.
> 
> If you liked something about this please feel free to let me know. Have a good day!


End file.
